I am 30 years old, was born and lived in an ordinary large Soviet family in a big city and to 11-12 years was perfectly normal kid, a good student, was walking in the yard, climbed on roofs and basements, a bike ride, experienced widespread curiosity about what girls in panties. Any violence and sexual abuse are not subjected.
In 11-12 years, I felt a sudden change - there was a sense of romantic and melancholy, she was sent to a fictional friend the same age, I drew vague way, dreaming about a guy who wanted to share life, to be the closest friend, to love, to iron his hands and gently kiss. At this time I realized that I was different and distinctly felt the difference with the other guys. I stopped to walk with them and be friends, because there was not anything to say, and I hid from everyone on the emerging romantic feelings.
I kept to himself, no one could share - was convinced that only with me so that no one will understand, studied, afraid of being too open.
After a romantic sexual feelings appeared, at first quite innocent, as it was generally a strong aversion to the physiology of any sex at all, then all the more added to the sexual feelings of romantic love. Became fall in love with a beautiful young guy about my age or a little older, had strong feelings, but seeing a very negative attitude classmates and adults to the topic of same-sex love, afraid to reveal. So no one suspected me of 18 years.
The words "gay" or "orientation" is never heard, and from the word "sex" was becoming embarrassing.
Unfulfilled desire a close friendship with a guy hard pressed, sexual experience occurred at age 21 - because it is not any longer have the strength, I postponed this action, believing that if I did not do anything - I'm not gay, and I can still be part of the community, have friends. But just the opposite happened - because of loneliness, homophobia in schools and universities, the lack of support and talk about it with their parents and who else (the Internet did not exist then), I was a stranger in the community, not made friends, no distrusted and neither of whom is independent.
Now I would like to see me in the 11-12 and 14-15 years especially in talking about these issues, so that I can accept myself. Understand yourself always been easy - I was always sure who I like and what I want, who I want to love, but these thoughts were to myself, to the outside world consider themselves ordinary. For a long time did not admit to myself that I was gay - and still do not want to hang a label on, once and for all brand, because I do not have to do a political choice, I find it difficult to adjust to this concept, the stereotype. I am different, I want to be free, I want to get my feelings respected and understood that showed no misunderstanding, hatred, aggression and disgust.
Every time I hear the words of hatred towards gays, I take it personally and I was hurt and offended, I can not speak without exposing threats to his life, to disclose. And the threat is real - it is primarily harassment, dissemination of this information among family, work colleagues, threats, hatred - to live in such an atmosphere, it is very difficult and uncomfortable.
In my view, the harm of homophobia is more because of the strong pressure and atmosphere of misunderstanding, rejection, and sometimes hatred, aggression, which put pressure on the outside as well as inside. Being gay - it's like being a spy, when ever you need to hide who you are, to hide their feelings and life, and at any time can be knifed in the back from anyone, especially from loved ones, from respected colleagues.
It seems to me that in Russia many people have very distorted ideas about gays and hatred and myths are supported only by the authorities and the church, which leads to a deterioration in all walks of life - personal, social, legal, cultural, educational. Need a great educational work, which can not be considered propaganda. In my whole life never from anyone heard of this most propaganda, but I've heard a lot of fears, myths, insults.
Our society is mentally unhealthy and gays here - just an excuse to express their fears and complexes. Thanks Echo of Moscow, the chief editor, television Rain and all honest and independent media, newspapers and magazines, hand in a complex business - education on LGBT people.
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